BDx13 - 6-15-2005 at 10:19 AM
just had this emailed to me...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Gooch - 6-15-2005 at 11:50 AM
awesome!
DAK - 6-15-2005 at 12:22 PM
I am at work laughing out loud and getting stared at.
thedog - 6-15-2005 at 02:08 PM
hilarious!
moron - 6-15-2005 at 02:15 PM
Ive seen that before. There's some aweome stuff.
JawnDiablo - 6-15-2005 at 07:34 PM
i have fuckin jury duty next week
i hope i get excused...i hate court shit
Killthehumans - 6-15-2005 at 11:56 PM
i had jury duty once...within my first three fucking years of being over 18 i got it
...i wasnt picked as a juror , but the process was boring as hell
another reason why nyc can rule sometimes...
BDx13 - 6-16-2005 at 12:33 AM
i've had it three times in this city. every time i tell them my dad is a cop and my mom is a nurse, and that i believe anyone will lie for a buck.
hasn't worked yet.
although, back in the late 90s a met a lovely young woman during jury duty. we chatted the morning away and wound up having lunch together. she kept
offering me sweet tarts, which was nice. she said her name was amber and that she went to nyu and did a some modeling. turned out she was amber valletta. so, yeah, a little modeling. naturally, i had no idea.
moforn - 6-16-2005 at 02:43 AM
The last quote was the best.
Discipline - 6-16-2005 at 11:28 AM
I gotta get that book.
CR83 - 6-16-2005 at 12:41 PM
It reminds me of some of the candidates I interview for jobs in Arkansas. I have to send them for Drug tests and one guy had this happend with me
over the phone:
Me- Your sample was 79 degrees
Candidate- Man, it was cold in the bathroom
Me- How does a urine sample drop almost 20 degrees in in about 30 seconds in the bathroom?
Candidate- Huh?
Me- If you put it in the freezer for 30 seconds it wouldn't drop that much in temp. Not only that, the sample you had was positive for coke and weed
Candidate- Really? Man I told him not to be doin' drugs.
Me- never call me again, you brought someone elses urine in for the test. You are sick Man.
My all time favorite was when I was leaving my phone numer and they asked me which number on the phone was "5". My reply was, "The one in the
middle."
It never ceases to amaze me.
BDx13 - 6-16-2005 at 12:58 PM
^ hilarious.
ENDERA.x - 6-16-2005 at 01:05 PM
ahahahhahaha ^^^